I may have not done everything in my life. I, however, have also not done everything wrong either. I could have done some things better but I also could have done things worse.
So much worse.
I have been the perpetual single girl. Just me and my kittycow. And I will admit to being very tired of that fact. Not that I don’t love my cow because I love her as I would any child. But she isn’t enough to fulfill my life.
A part of me feels like I have been left behind by all my friends. I love them and am very happy for them. I wish them the best this world can offer them. But I can’t help but feel like a lonely lost fishie in this world.
I have made a lot of changes in my life in the past 4 years. For better or for worse, they have led me to where I am today. I don’t regret them, though. I will say that the past year has truly helped me realize who I am and what I hope to accomplish. How I will get there, I’m still not entirely clear on.
I will say this, I’m finally getting a start on it. As of the 20th of this month, I will be taking a plane off this island. At the end of that flight, I hope to come face to face with the man I feel I could give my heart and my life to. However, I am being sensible and will not just remain with him just yet. Instead, on the 30th I will progress one state over to be with one of my best friends. She has been kind enough to let me stay with her until I’m on my feet.
I just wish that this decision I’ve made didn’t come with such a grave price. You see, most people are very supportive of my decision. Everyone but one.
And for anyone who reads my tweets or follows my blog, you already know that my relationship with her as been very volatile and rocky. When we are on good terms, its very nice. When we are on bad terms, it is epic. However, it has never been my style to talk bad about my mother even when she probably deserved it. I may not agree with her but I try to respect her.
My Mr. Land last night told me this: “I believe you have every right to really tell your mother off and talk bad about her. But I respect you a whole lot more because you don’t.” this hasn’t been easy for me. Originally my trip was only going to be a 10 day visit. Given her behavior and my feelings on the matter, I have decided that not returning to Puerto Rico is for the best.
And I will admit to bring an absolute coward. I didn’t tell her I was leaving until last night. The conversation did not go as badly as I feared it would. Still, the arguing and hell that awaits me at home is far from over. It will only get worse the more she thinks about it and she will just rile herself up because I refuse to engage her.
I’m 24 years old. I know a bombshell is not meant to tell her she, but there you have it. I’m old enough to make my own decisions. I can’t keep spinning my wheels and hope the answer comes to me. I have to get myself out there and get things done. It might just flop and be a mistake but in my heart of hearts I think I’m doing what is best for me.
And in case you were wondering, the kittycow is coming with me. I’m taking what little is mine and my cow is very much mine.